In prior years, I've really broken this down and had some fun with it. Not going to happen this year, waited way too long.
Also, before discussing this year, let's see how I did last year on predicting these things:
- Record of the Year - I said Beyonce, but it was Adele.
- Album of the Year - I said Adele, and it was Adele! Yay me!
- Song of the Year - I said Beyonce, but it was Adele (again!).
- Best New Artist - I said Chance the Rapper, it was Chance the Rapper.
- Best Rap Performance - I said Chance the Rapper, it was Chance!
- Best Rap Album - I said Chance the Rapper, it was Chance!
- Best Rap Song - I said Chance the Rapper, it was freaking Drake's Hotline Bling. Boooo.
- Best Rock Performance - I guessed Bowie, CORRECT!
- Best Rock Album - I guessed Cage the Elephant, CORRECT!
- Best Alternative Album - I guessed Bowie again, CORRECT!
In 2016, I was terrible at these predictions, hitting 1 out of 7. This year I was significantly better, getting 7 out of 10 predictions correct. You damn right, suckas! Batting .700 up in this!
On to this year, I have to be pretty quick to get to all of them.
Album Of The Year:
- Childish Gambino - Awaken My Love.
- Jay-Z - 4:44.
- Kendrick Lamar - DAMN.
- Lorde - Melodrama.
- Bruno Mars - 24K Magic.
Really? Seriously? Hard to believe the folks in charge seriously think those are the five best complete albums of the entire year. Other than Redbone, I don't know of anyone talking about the Gambino record being a classic. Jay's album is terrible. I did not enjoy Lorde or Bruno Mars. The only two of those that have been well reviewed, critically, on end of year lists are Kendrick and Lorde. I'll guess this goes to Kendrick.
Record Of The Year:
- Childish Gambino - Redbone
- Luis Fonsi and Daddy Yankee - Despacito
- Jay-Z - Story of OJ
- Kendrick Lamar - Humble
- Bruno Mars - 24K Magic
I can't freaking stand that Despacito song. My youngest kid LOVES it to death, although when she studiously sings along to the lyrics, I'm pretty sure she is just slurring the word despacito repeatedly. "Redbone" is great, "Humble" is great, and "The Story of OJ" is the best thing on the weak Jay-Z album )but its also anti-semetic, so I'm shocked it was even nominated. Hard call on this one, I'm going to guess Despacito because it was the biggest song of the year without any doubt.
Song Of The Year:
- Despacito
- 4:44 - Jay-Z
- Issues - Julia Michaels
- 1-800-273-8255 - Logic
- That's What I Like - Bruno Mars.
This is an actively bad list of music. Like, it would be hard to be more disappointingly concentrated on garbage. And the point of songwriting is supposed to be the songwriting. if you think that Bruno Mars song is good songwriting, with the terrible couplets like "Cool jewelry shining so bright, Strawberry champagne on ice," then you deserve a swift kick in the brain. The Logic song has a good, positive message about suicide prevention. "Issues" is a fine pop song. 4:44 is only interesting to the world because of the confessions about cheating on Queen B. Honestly, if Jay wins any Grammys this year, that is bullshit. Uhhhhhh, I guess I'll give it to Logic? I don't feel strongly about this.
Best New Artist:
Best New Artist:
- Alessia Cara.
- Khalid.
- Lil Uzi Vert.
- Julia Michaels.
- SZA.
I think SZA wins if they go with the most critically acclaimed artist. I think she is boring, so I would not support that. Cara is even more generic, just a supplier of hooks with a great voice like hundreds others. Lil Uzi is everything I find to be wrong with music right now - good beats with zero charisma or thought used in the lyrics. If I played you one of his new songs, you would have zero clue if it were him or Offset or 21 Savage or Lil Yachty of whatever new mumblerap guy is out there. That should not equate to best new artist. In a year, no one will remember that he existed. Julia Michaels is perfectly fine. So I guess I'd like for Khalid to get it - he seems the most interesting of the group and genuinely new. My guess is SZA though.
Best Rock Performance: Leonard Cohen and Chris Cornell should not be in this list, if not for their deaths. Foo's Run is not a great song. Just tried Kaleo's "No Good" for the first time - why in the world is this even in the running? Who is making these choices? Perfectly fine, very generic blues rock song. Nothing More's "Go to War" - I've never heard of this band, never heard this song, what is going on? Huh, they are from San Antonio. Kind of the Incubus/Linkin Park area of the rock spectrum, with lots of double bass kick drum action. Damn. Did rock suck this bad last year? I guess I'll say the Foos win it based on name recognition alone? This category is jacked up.
Best Rock Album: Mastodon's Emperor of Sand was OK, bad mix and so the lower end is non-existent. Metallica's Hardwired was solid. Nothing More's The Stories We Tell Ourselves is out of left field. Not even 9 million streams for that top song that is up for Best Rock Performance. No clue why that is even in the running. Royal Blood should be here. Queens of the Stone Age's Villains is a great album. The War on Drugs' A Deeper Understanding is also very good. If it were up to me I'd pick QOTSA. But I'll guess the War on Drugs wins.
Best Alternative Album: Arcade Fire, Gorillaz, LCD Soundsystem, Father John Misty, and The National. I think that Gorillaz album is awful, and the LCD Soundsystem disc isn't far behind it. FJM is great lyrically, but a very boring album of music. If it were up to me, this would be Arcade Fire in a landslide, but my guess is that all of the doofus people voting here will go LCD Soundsystem to try to show off their hip bonafides.
Best Rap Performance: Big Sean's "Bounce Back" was good. Cardi B's "Bodak Yellow" is omnipresent, but I still don't feel like I really know it that well. Jay-Z's "4:44" is just not good. Kendrick's "Humble" is good stuff. Migo's "Bad and Boujee" is catchy as hell, but is truly stupid. I think it is "Humble."
Ooooh, they have a new category this year (or at least I think it is new) called Best Rap/Sung Performance, to acknowledge that most of rap is now infiltrated by terrible R&B elements that ruin everything. I've never heard of two of these, not going to give an opinion.
Best Rap Song: Cardi B's Bodak Yellow, Danger Mouse (with Run the Jewels and Big Boi)'s Chase Me, Kendrick's Humble, something called Rapsody's Sassy, and Jay's Story of OJ. is there really a rapper called Rapsody? Gross. Just as an aside, "Sassy," by Rapsody, is not good and is not in her top ten most popular songs on Spotify. WHO CHOOSES THESE TRACKS? And how did I not know about the RTJ/Big Boi collabo??? I'm a fraud! Have to guess Kendrick here too.
Best Rap Album: 4:44 (lord have mercy...), DAMN (yes...), Migos' Culture (truly idiotic), Rapsody's Laila's Wisdom (really?), and Tyler the Creator's Flower Boy (haven't heard it, don't like Tyler at all). So, Childish Gambino's album is up for Album of the freaking year, but it somehow isn't up for the best album of its genre? HOW IS THAT FREAKING POSSIBLE? SO STUPID. HULK SMASH!!! Also, how is a Run the Jewels collaboration noted in these categories, but nothing off of their amazing album? This whole thing is a sham and a farce and a sharce. I'll go with Kendrick again.
I don't feel good about any of these predictions. These nominations are freaking weird. let's hope that the performances on the show are good, because I feel unsettled by this entire exercise.
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