Disneyland 2015

I know you come here for my hot takes on music, but I figured I'd publish my thoughts on Disneyland out there (to join the eight million other people who have already done the same) so that you can benefit from my experience.

First things first, go download the app if you are going.  The ability to pull up that app, see a map, and track the line length for any ride from your phone is priceless.  Instead of walking all the way over to Splash Mountain to see what the line is like, you can just pull up the app and see that it is 60 minutes and therefore dumb.

Second, bring a ton of snacks.  While the official Disney website says that you can't bring in outside food or drink unless you have dietary restrictions, the people checking bags stared straight at our huge sack of pringles, beef jerky, and rice crispy treats without batting an eye. When you are waiting in line and the kids may be getting close to melting, it is amazing how far a snack will go towards quelling that insurrection.  And water, we brought in three nalgenes full of ice water, which also helps keep people happy (and saves you from spending $5 on a bottle of Dasani.

Final key tip is to use the FastPass system.  Loads of people online will give you all sorts of hints and tips on how to maximize that system, which stressed me out while I was planning for the trip. So much planning!  But the simple truth is that if you grab FastPass tickets for a ride, then you cut in front of the vast majority of people in line, and it feels amazing.  Some rides don't give you quite as big an advantage, but others felt like you got to just walk right on.  So, right when you get to the park, go straight to the most popular ride's fast pass kiosk and grab your passes, then go do some other popular rides while you wait for your time to come on the FP.

My Ranking of Disneyland Attractions (note, Space Mountain was closed, so I can't rank it):

1. Big Thunder Mountain Railroad.  A legit, if short, rollercoaster that even our five year old enjoyed.  Nothing too intense, but really fun.  We went back for more.
2. Matterhorn Bobsleds.  Same thing, this was a good but not too crazy thrill rollercoaster.
3. Splash Mountain.  I haven't laughed so hard in a long time - we got stuck in the front of the car, which is purportedly the spot where you get soaked, so I was dreading the final hill the entire time.  Everyone ended up liking this one, and only my right leg ended up with a soaking.
4. Star Tours.  Star Wars themed 3D flight simulator ride that was actually kind of awesome.  It really felt like we were hauling ass when the ship went into hyperspace, and I jumped when stuff "crashed" through the front windshield.
5. Buzz Lightyear Astro Blasters.  An otherwise lame ride that is made fun because you get to shoot things as you ride along and amass points.  Like a video game as you ride.  Fun stuff.
6. Dumbo the Flying Elephant.  Pretty lame, but the kids thought this was the coolest thing they had ever done in their LIVES.  Being able to control the up and down on a super slow rotating flight ride is apparently a major rush when you are younger than 10.
7. Autopia.  Hilarious, in that the kids (especially my five year old) freaking LOVED this ride, while it is nothing more than a go cart on a rail.  You can "steer," but only a couple of inches to each side.  You aren't supposed to ram the guy in front of you, so you can only go so fast. Pretty brutal.
8. Indiana Jones Adventure.  Kind of enjoyable, but more of a random mishmash of Indy thoughts and getting your ribs and hips rammed into the pointed edges of the seats on a ridiculously rough ride in a fake jeep.  And the walk from the front door of the place back to the ride is like 48 miles.
9. Haunted Mansion.  Lame.  And made infinitely worse by the fact that we didn't use a Fast Pass, so we waited for almost an hour to see a super boring ride with some holograms.  Some guy at the front gate had told us how excited he was to go to this one because it was Jack Skellington themed, so we were excited, but from the first excruciatingly slow elevator ride down to the final weird reflection of a present in your car, this one was just weak.  AND you have to spend most of the time in line convincing your kids that it won't be that scary, kind of hoping that it will be ridiculously frightening, but then it ends up being boring as hell.  Death to Haunted Mansion.
10. Pirates of the Caribbean.  Just dumb.  I have no clue why people wait in line for this. My 7 year old kept asking if it was going to get entertaining.  You ride in a boat, and slowly go past 50 year old animatronic scenes of pirates singing or drinking or preparing to buy a hooker. They have added in a few Jack Sparrow and Black Pearl items, but it is dated and tired and really boring.
11. King Arthur Carousel.  It is bad enough that the kids wanted to do this - ride an old school carousel slowly around in a circle - but as soon as we waited through the 20 minute line and got on the horses, they closed it for technical difficulties.  Not cool.

I can't believe we missed It's a Small World, but when the kids are tired, you need to bail out.  Don't push it past the DEFCON 3 stage, man.  We also missed out on a bunch of the rides in Fantasyland, like Mr. Toad or Peter Pan, but I have been told we didn't miss much. Next time, I skip Indy, the Mansion, and Pirates and go hit up those other things.

My Ranking of California Adventure Attractions:

1. Radiator Springs Racers.  Awesome ride, really fun.  You get into a car, strap in, and then ride through a pretty excellent reproduction of Cars before having a fun race at the end.  The entire Cars Land/Radiator Springs area is amazingly detailed and cool. This ride was excellent - grab the FP early because by mid-morning the recall times were 9:30 to 10pm at night.
2. California Screamin'.  This one is a really close second to Radiator Springs.  An old-school classic rollercoaster with a great launch from zero to fast, a loop-the-loop, and enough drops to make you lose your stomach but not ever actually feel terrified.
3. Goofy's Sky School.  Tiny little rollercoaster, but terrifyingly fun.  You are in a miniature four person car, and take a million really tight ass turns that make it feel like you are about to break off of the ride and tumble to your death.  A few good drops to make you lose your stomach too. Surprisingly scary and fun.
4. Soarin' Over California.  A flight simulator kind of thing that was super.  You are strapped into a row of seats that raises up in the air and gets close to a big screen, then you fly over the sights of Cali, complete with wind in your face and smells (salty ocean air, orange groves, sweaty homeless people) as you cruise along.  It was realistic enough to make my feet bottoms tingle when we launched out off of a cliff. Pretty fun stuff.
5. Grizzly River Run.  One of those big round boats with rubber sides that turns and bounces around a rapid filled river.  Fun and always funny to laugh at whoever is getting wet.  (apparently, you don't want to sit by the entrance to the boat)
6. Silly Symphony Swings.  Old school, the one where you get strapped into a swing and then the ride slings you around in circles as it raises you up and then lowers you back down.  Pretty fun, especially doing it with a kid in one of the double swings.
7. Mickey's Fun Wheel.  This is a really tall ferris wheel, and some of the cars slide around on rails so that it is not just a static ride around the center.  It was actually a little bit terrifying.  But a 30 minute wait for a ferris wheel is questionable behavior.
8. Golden Zephyr.  Kind of like the Symphony Swings, except you are in a long car that swings around.  Fun enough.
9. Ariel's Undersea Adventure.  Another one where you just ride through an animatronic recitation of the movie.  Entertaining mainly for the fact that my daughters loved it. And as we entered the ride, there was a sign on one wall showing that you shouldn't stand up, with two human shapes in various stages of standing and the big red cross-out symbol over them.  My five year old told me it stood for NO DANCING and then proceeded to jam out and dance. Way more entertaining than the actual ride.
10. Monsters Inc. Mike and Sully to the Rescue.  I like Monsters and all, but this was kind of a boring ride through images and the story from the movie.  Slow with zero action.
11. Jumpin' Jellyfish.  Elevator ride kind of thing.  Entirely tame and safe for the little ones.
12. King Triton's Carousel.  At least we got to ride this one, but still pretty lame.  Even weirder, why are grown ass people getting on rides like this.  With no kids.  What makes an adult male with no children involved want to wait in a ten minute line to ride this?  Mysteries of life, man.
13. Mater's Junkyard Jamboree.  Spinning vomit tow trucks.
14. Francis' Ladybug Boogie.  Spinning vomit ladybugs.  As you might surmise from the next few rankings, you can stay out of "a bug's land" and be pretty happy.
15. Tuck and Roll's Drive Em Buggies.  The slowest bumper cars you've ever seen in your life.  I mean, like an eighth of a mile an hour.  I get that they need to be safe and all, but dude.  You could have increased the speed by 2000% and it still would have been slow and kind of boring.
16. Heimlich's Chew Chew Train.  I didn't have to ride this one because I was off getting Fast Passes, but Holy Hannah this ride sucks.  It is a train that goes about 3 miles an hour around a tiny circle forest.  The entire ride takes maybe 30 seconds.  And, of course, my five year old ate it up.  Damn children.

I think that is all of the rides we made it through, but I may have missed one or two.  Bottom line, we had a great time at the parks.  The kids were generally well behaved, the lines weren't overly ridiculous, the tickets weren't insanely priced (2 adults, 3 kids, 2 days = $886), and hotels line the street just outside the park entrance.  Good fun.