The horrible conundrum of hands

My wife and I had a good laugh yesterday at Drew Magary's most recent e-mail grab bag column, in which he answers someone's question about what to do with your hands at a rock concert.  

In thinking of hands-centric music to link here, I considered "No Hands" by Waka Flocka, "Hands" by The Raconteurs, and "Hands on the Wheel" by Schoolboy Q, but the first thing that came to my mind was The Georgia Satellites.  Enjoy.

Freedom rock, man!  Turn it up!

The question:

What do you do with your arms and hands when you’re at a rock concert? You can’t keep them up in the air with the devil-horn fingers forever. Just hanging them at your sides feels awkward. Sticking them in your pockets seem lame. I’ve been taking to tapping them against my thighs to the drum beat so that casual observers will think, “Ooh, wow, look at that—he must be a drummer.”

Magary provides a long answer - go check it out yourself if you want to read it all - but I found it especially funny because we have had this same conversation before, and the wife has frequently made fun of my go-to concert hand position.  Magary says you need to have one hand on your beer, and the other on your ladyfriend; If alone, then one hand on your beer, and the other curled into a fist raised up to "properly unleash the ROCK."  And then his hands go into his pockets.

He is entirely right about one thing - once you start thinking about your hands at a show, or looking around at other people's hands during a show, you realize how immensely awkward it is to figure out what to do with your hands at a show. I've discussed this multiple times before - I think my wife finds it humorous that I have a mental dilemma here.  I think this is why the kids all use the drugs, so that their brain breaks and they quit wondering what to do with their hands.

My ranking of things to do with your hands while watching a show:

1. Hook your thumbs into the waistband of your shorts.  I will not permit any disagreement on this point.  Once you are done with the beer you have for a particular show, you must just tuck your thumbs into your waistband, let the rest of your hands comfortably rest on your shorts, and hang out.  You can make slight space with the barely extended elbows, and if you are really feeling it, you can tap your fingers on your shorts.  Hands may be momentarily removed from this position in order to properly unleash the ROCK for a limited period of time.  An acceptable alternative if wearing a backpack (which I do not condone) is to tuck your thumbs into the shoulder straps like you are the Rocketeer about to take off.
2. Clap.  But only if it is the end of a song or if everyone else is clapping.  If the band gets the crowd clapping, join in.  Try your damnedest to keep the actual beat and don't rush the poor drummer.  But know when to call it - don't be the first one or the last one clapping or everyone is going to think you're an undercover cop and someone is going to pick your pocket or push their friend into you repeatedly while mumbling "narc" under their breath.
3. Raise your hands.  Whether this is (a) jazzing your hands up over your head to feel the moment; (b) pumping your fist in the air to feel the rock; (c) throwing up the number one finger to let Dave Grohl know he is numero uno; or (d) devil horn/Longhorn/sign-language-I-love-you action.  I agree with this dude, you can't do that forever. But when the chorus kicks in or the bass drops or the pyrotechnics fire, sometimes the basic primate urge to throw your hands over your head and scream fires up back in your simian brain, and you just have to handle it.  But this, like hand clapping, is only temporary before you go back to thumbs in waistband.
4. Double-fist drinks.  This seems like a good plan, but is not.  You end up drinking too fast and getting burpy on your fellow concert-goers, getting too drunk too quick, or with warm beer, and none of those are preferable at the show.  I will admit to holding an empty can for way longer than I should just so that I have something to do with my hands.
5. Dance hands.  If you are jamming out at a Widespread show and the acid is telling your hands where to go, man, you just got to let 'em fly, bro.  I see nothing awkward about this move, other than the general awkwardness of being a grown ass man dancing by himself in a crowd of non-dancing people.  Maybe this category also includes marching around in the pit with your hands being used as piston sledgehammers.  Walk it out, bro.  You won't find me doing either anymore, but I understand that you may have different needs.  And this still beats the rest of the list below.
6. Cross your arms over your chest.  First, this is very unpleasant when it is hot outside, like just about every show in Texas. You are just creating an extra hot meat basket on your chest to increase sweat production and funkify your shirt.  May be nice at a cold show though. Second, I imagine this is not the most awesome body language for the artist to see (and yes, I really have considered this before, I'm a nerd).  Open your heart, man! The Norwegian death metal band is going to get their feelings hurt if you don't look receptive to their ditty about eating cats.
7. Hands in pocket.  I can't stand this feeling at a show.  I don't know why, but it just feels almost as frumpy and awkward as just having them down at your side.  Almost.  I did it during the In the Whale show on opening day of this year's ACL because I was feeling for my phone to vibrate when my friend texted/called, and it felt like I was being an asshole.  It's like you're a dejected teenager being yelled at for shredding a public park curb.
8. Hands at your sides.  The questioner is right.  So freaking awkward feeling if you think about it.  I'm sure it is fine if you don't think about it, but I obviously do, and it just feels super unnatural in a crowd for some reason.
9. Hands on your phone.  Put your phone down.  Unless you are snapping a quick picture or writing an important text about where you are standing in the crowd so that your friend and/or drinks can find you, stop using your phone during the music.  You can chill on the couch at home and listen to music while you scroll Pinterest.  Do not take an eight minute garbage video with terrible sound and worse lighting that no one is ever going to watch willingly.  Do not try to talk with one finger shoved in your away ear.  Do not carry on a full text conversation with your bright ass screen distracting me from the dulcet sounds of my favorite band.

That is all I could think of.  Maybe #10 should be shoving your hands in someone else's pockets?  I don't want that to happen either.  Good luck not feeling awkward the next time you go to a show.