ACL 2017: The Beer Tent!

If only they would really sell you bourbon and scotch at the ACL grounds.  Unfortunately, I think my days of trying to sneak booze into the park are over, as they kept hassling me last year about the re-sealed Aquafina bottles and its just a pain in the ass to be all nervous about it, so instead I'm just going to bring in a crap ton of Mexican horse and some Columbian white and snort speedballs all day.  Luckily they won't check my socks.  For real though, the security is going to be harder, so I won't be sneaking in booze anymore.  (unless you animals have good ideas for how to make it happen?!?)

But I do plan on having a few beers to get me through the days out there in the sun.  In case you are new to this whole ACL thing, they have two ways to get beer into your system. First, you have the jenky yellow BAR kiosks all over the grounds.  Literally, there will be like 20 of these spread all over the place.  At that BAR kiosk, you can likely get Butt Light, Butt Heavy, Coors Original, Heineken, Imperial, and Fireman's Four (or some derivation of those choices).  These will be tallboy cans, and likely $8 unless the price has been jacked since last time.  This is your easy access beer choice.  You will have many of these.

On the other hand, there is the Barton Springs Beer Hall, which will have some big screen TVs and a long bar full of taps of better beer choices.  Of note, unless they change things from last year, you are not getting a fresh pour of these beers.  The folks working this tent will have two or three cups of each beer sitting there ready for you to buy, so that you don't have to wait around for a pour.  However, if it is a million degrees, then your beer is not going to be cold.  I've never gotten a truly hot one either, but just know what you are getting.

On to the action!  According to the ACL website, these are going to be your choices (along with commentary from me):

• 10 Barrel Joe IPA. (6.9%).  Oregon.  Never heard of it, but listed as an American IPA on Beer Advocate.  I'd try it.  6.9 percent sounds pretty solid.
• Austin Eastciders Blood Orange; Austin Eastciders Original; Austin Eastciders Pineapple.  (5.0%).  Austin.  I have tried the original one, and it is pretty solid for a cider, but that is like saying V-8 is pretty solid for a tomato juice when you can't stand tomato juice.  So enjoy, if this is your thing, at least it is local.
• Bell’s Oarsman. (4.0%). Kalamazoo, Michigan.  Never tried it, but screw paying $10 for a 4% beer from Michigan.  Also of note, this is a Berliner Weissbier, which means a tart sour thing, which means no thanks.
• Bell’s Two Hearted IPA. (7.0%). Kalamazoo, Michigan.  What is with the Michigan beers?  I also don't think I've had this one before, although the label (kind of jenky, like the writing on Ghostface Killah's Twelves Reasons to Die, with a fish underneath) looks familiar.  Seven percent sounds good though...
• Big Bend Tejas Clara. (4.3%).  From beautiful Alpine, Texas (although someone told me the other day that they are going to stop brewing out there and move the operation to somewhere stupid like Dallas.  Weaksauce).  This is a good beer, a sport beer, like Modelo or Pacifico or something.  Low alcohol, so I think I'll pass at the Fest.
• Blue Point Toasted Lager. (5.5%).  New York.  A red lager, and I've never heard of the brewery or the beer.  Why does it make sense for this to be offered here?  Doubt I'll do it.
• Celis Citrus Grandis IPA.  (5.0%).  Austin, Texas.  I've enjoyed the new Celis beers that I've had around town, but I have yet to try this one out.  The Pale Bock is great, the white is good, so I'd assume that this one would be tasty as well.  Give it a shot.
• Celis White. (4.9%). Austin, Texas.  Yeah, I liked this one back in the day when Celis was first around, and have enjoyed it at a few bars since it came back to life.  This is a wheat beer, so its a little sweet, a little cloudy, and would be refreshing on a hot day.
• Goose IPA. (5.9%).  Chicago.  I actually like the Goose Island beers, but once the brewery was bought out by the mega beer people, I've been less into going back to it.  Because I'm a man of the people, yo.  I don't mess around with the MAN!  <Goes back to sipping his Diet Coke, listening to Spotify, typing on a Dell, planning a lunch at Chipotle>
• Independence Brewing Company Austin Amber.  (4.8%). Austin, Texas.  Another red ale, which I generally like, but find to be a little cloying when at an outdoor event or hot place.  This is a good beer, but I likely will not partake.
• Independence Brewing Company Stash IPA (7.0%). Austin, Texas.  This one is pretty good as well, although it is damn hoppy.  Your tongue will forget what other things taste like once you are done with a handful of these suckers.  I like the 7.0 business though...
• Infamous IPA. (7.0%).  Austin, Texas.  I can't recall ever trying this one, and had no clue that we had a brewery in town called Infamous.  We have so many damn breweries now...  I'd give this one a shot.
• Karbach Big & Bright IPA. (6.7%). Houston, Texas.  Of course, now that the evil empire has purchased Karbach, it becomes the biggest craft beer offering here and they cut Real Ale out entirely.  I don't like it at all.  I haven't tried this one, I've had a bunch of the Karbachs (in fact, just drank a Love Street 3 minutes ago) and they are fine.  If I'm having an IPA at the Fest though, I'll go for the higher alcohol ones.
• Karbach Ginger Radler (3.5%). Houston, Texas.  God, I bet this is horrible.  First, you are getting about the same amount of alcohol as hand sanitizer.  Second, you are getting a beer flavored with ginger.  Ginger is a cool hair color, but not an acceptable beer flavoring device.  Finally, you are paying like $10 for this honor.  I would not do this.  I'd do those speedballs before I'd do this.
• Karbach Hopadillo. (6.6%). Houston, Texas.  This is a pretty solid beer.  Not too crazy hopped in my recollection, but still pretty bitter.  Again, though, give me the ones at 7.0% instead of this less powerful business.  Damn mega breweries screwing me on a few percentage points of booze.
• Karbach Love Street. (4.9%). Houston, Texas.  This is a pretty damn tasty Kolsch, real light and a little bit fruity.  I got our firm to carry it in the beer fridges and I have it with some regularity.
• Karbach Weekend Warrior. (5.5%). Houston, Texas.  My favorite of the Karbach offerings, this one is an American Pale, so it boos you if you take a knee for any reason.  Hoppy, but nothing nearly as brutal as many of the full IPAs.
• New Belgium Fat Tire. (5.2%).  Colorado.  A third red ale/amber for the fest.  This is a good beer, a classic easy drinker, but again, I'm not that into the amber style of beer when sweating it out in a field.  Too malty and sweet.
• Trumer Pilsner. (6.8%). Austria.  What the hell?  Of all the beers in the world, some weird ass beer I've never heard of, from Austria, that is apparently an imperial bock?  But it is called a Pilsner?  I'm so confused.  You really should read the reviews on Beer Advocate for these beers.  People are freaking insane.  What the hell are you even talking about with this: "very short lived white coarse had that reduces to nothing. straw yellow color, crystal clear, brilliant. lots of lasting medium sized bubles."  I hate humans.  But that being said, who can turn down a new beer?  Who?
• Twisted X Austin Lager. (5.2%). Austin, Texas.  I have been underwhelmed by the Twisted X beers, although I'm not sure if I have tried this one.  I know I've had the Mexican lager, but not sure about this one.  I'd probably skip it.
• Uncle Billy’s Barton Springs. (6.6%). Austin, Texas.  I like this beer.  I've been on a kick for Pale Ales, where you don't get quite the hardcore burn of the IPA's hop-splosion, and so while this one has some hoppy bitterness, it isn't over the top.  I'd go for this beer right now.
• Ziegenbock. (4.0%).  The Budweiser Factory in Hell.  This beer is actively terrible.  Another Amber/ Red Lager, and the last time I went to an ACL taping I thought I'd go for this because the tallboy cost as much as some short beers.  So bad.  Sticky sweet, with a cardboard aftertaste.  And at 4% booze, you get nothing for the pain of suffering through it.

The crazy thing here is how completely different this list is from last year.  Literally, no beer is the same from last year.  Not one.  Here is my post if you want proof.  I wonder if this is because they signed up a new mega-distributor this year and kicked the old one out.  On the one hand, this is good because we got a lot more local options.  Last year, we had two local brews (an Oasis and an Adelberts) and then the Real Ale options from nearby, but a ton of brews from far away.  This year you get a really almost even mix, with 13 non-Austin beers and 10 Austin beers and ciders.  That is great progress!  I'd still love to have Austin Beerworks and 512 and Hops & Grain and Zilker in there, but a little progress is good.  Maybe next year we can eliminate the weird shit from Austria and the Zeigenbock and add in some Zilker beers.

2017 WINNERS:

Actual best beer Category:  Of a relatively mediocre field, I think I'd go with the Uncle Billy's Pale.  You get a pretty high ABV and a good beer.  Winner. 

Beer on the list I'd like to try Category: Trumer Pilsner.  Who wouldn't want to try out a pilsner that is also described as a bock, that flew all the way here from Austria?  I had beer in Salzburg one time and it was amazing.  I also want to try the other Celis beer.

Best bang for your buck Category:  Infamous, Stash, and Two-Hearted, all of which clock in at 7% booze.  You'll lose your tastebuds for the next hour or so, but you'll get into party mode a touch quicker so that you can scream Ice Cube lyrics along with me.

Curious about the predictions for the BAR drinks, I ran a search to see who gets to distribute Bell's Brewing, and it is still Brown Distributing.  They also carry Goose Island, Fat Tire, Karbach and Bud.  So, I expect we'll still get the usual stuff at the BAR.  Just for comparison's sake, the alcoholic content of the BAR beers that I expect to see:

• Bud Light: 4.2%
• Bud: 5.0%
• Coors Heavy: 5.0%
• Imperial: 4.6%
• Heineken: 5.0%

They'll likely have a craft-ish beer too, but I don't think Brown does Real Ale, so it won't be Fireman's like in the past.  I guess that means Coors Banquet for me all day long!